Shredding Shades of Shame

I can feel my spiritual self kicking and screaming as I lug my heavy, burdened body to the confessional. My feet want to run in the other direction; the last thing I want to do is face those dark memories. Thoughts fill my head. There won't be time for you; God doesn't want to hear your confession. He doesn't want to forgive your sins.

The Return of the Prodigal Son (Rembrandt)
"He was lost, and is found" (Luke 15:32)

Then I stopped short. WHAT?! What am I even thinking?
Of course Jesus will make time for me. He has already forgiven my sins and wants me to renew my soul. I got really angry that I let those lies in my head, that I was being tempted away from receiving God's grace. How DARE you.

Don't we all have our secrets? Things that we shouldn't have done, things that we should have done.

Shame does a terrible thing to a human heart. It's planted stealthily into the heart and grows its thorny branches, tearing it up from the inside out. In the darkness of night, thoughts creep in and nothing can distract me from them. I drown in waves of regret and self-deprecation. I plea for sleep to rescue me.

I don't deserve to pray because God can't possibly bother to forgive me in this state that I am in.
That's a horrible lie to believe.

And at this moment of inner turmoil, a mother of four children comes into the church and sits by me. I thought it was the mother in line, but then I noticed her oldest daughter (about 8 years old) sitting next to me, nervously fumbling with a flyer that guides the sacrament of confession. "Jesus is going to forgive your sins!" the mother whispers to her daughter. Then as an afterthought, she adds, "Don't worry. Father won't remember a thing." I smile and relax a little.

Quietly closing the door behind me, I enter the confessional.
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
Deep breath. My voice shaking, I slowly and painfully lay it out one by one...
...

The priest on the other side of the screen was silent. The words I have just spoken hung uncomfortably in the air. I braced myself.

Then, he said gently, "That was a good confession. Thank you for your honesty."

I reach for the Kleenex box prepared for waterworks like me. While mopping my eyes, I cling to every word the priest says to me. Words of comfort, words of healing, and words of encouragement. The priest begins to pray, his voice now rising with boldness and authority. As I clutch tightly to wads of tissues, my Father says to me,

I absolve you of your sins.

A priest once said, "If you give an honest confession from the heart, the freedom you experience will make you feel so light on your feet that people will have to hold you down to stop you from flying away."

This was me after confession.

Leaving that confessional, I thought I had grown wings. Kneeling in the chapel in front of the tabernacle, I was even afraid to breathe. It was a sacred moment, to be fully clean and purified in front of the Lord, with all sins washed away.

Here I was, in the purest form of myself. I reached for God and He came, swooped me from my feet, and lifted me from the dirt I was in. How can we truly be free to ourselves and to God when we are tied down by sin? As a result from this sacrament of conversion, we gain freedom to ourselves and freedom to Love.

Pope John Paul II visits and forgives the gunman
who shot him in
1981

The sacrament of confession provides the healing that we crave for. It's not so much for God as it is for ourselves. These sacraments, these tangible signs of God's grace, are given to us because we need it. I constantly need to forgive myself because my Lord has forgiven me. Love keeps no record of wrong.

Why Catholics Should Read the Bible

One of the priests at our parish always jokes about how Catholics don't know the Bible -- it's his not-so-subtle way of scolding us... I think he's directing it at me, because I'm guilty of it. Eeps.

This brings up a memory... I was sitting in a circle with other high schoolers in our Catholic youth group. I barely knew anyone -- the seniors looked really intimidating..

"Hi everyone! So let's go around the circle and introduce ourselves. And say what your favorite book of the Bible is!"

Shoot. My favorite book of the Bible? What ARE the books in the Bible? Would it be too cliche to say one of the Gospels? I could say Psalms, I guess, but I never read it. It's probably not a good idea to lie... (that's a sin!). The person in front of me said Sirach (that exists?! never heard of it). I can't remember what I said -- probably mumbled something like "I like everything that I read in the Bible.. when I read it..." SOO awkward..

At least one benefit from reading the Bible
is some good pick up lines

You'd think after that mortifying moment, I'd go home and read the Bible from cover to cover. Maybe I tried, actually, but I probably didn't get past the genealogy of Jesus in Genesis and just tabled the Bible for later consultation.

Certainly someone must have told me that it was important to read the Bible. Only in the past five years have I realized the importance of reading the Bible.

We talk about Jesus all the time at church. He's kind of a big deal. And the best way to know what He's all about is to read the Bible. When I attended Bible study for the first time, I was surprised at how rich the text is -- those parables sure are something! Even as you sit with a short passage, the deeper you dig into it, the more you discover. It's like a bubbling well of revelations -- it's really mysterious how thousands of years later, this text is still just as astonishingly powerful and life-changing to people of all cultures and backgrounds.

Why don't Catholics read the Bible? Maybe because during Sunday Mass, we already hear a good portion of it -- the first reading is usually from the Old Testament, the second reading from the letters from St. Paul, and the Gospel from one of the big four (I mean Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John). And I think that's great! If you go to Mass consistently for three consecutive years, then you'll hear most of the Bible. But I realize that it's actually not enough.

When we go to Mass, we listen to the Word as a community; when we read the Bible on our own, God speaks closely to you. It's like hearing a talk in a crowded lecture hall and going to office hours to talk about the talk. Reading the Bible individually is a way to personally encounter Christ. For two years in row, I spent my winter break reading a chapter of Proverbs every day. The second time reading brought new things to light. (It's like reading Harry Potter -- it never gets old!)

The Bible has a way of speaking to you. It lifts you up, shares in your sufferings, sings praises with you, prays with you. As Catholics, we have both Sacred Tradition and Sacred Scripture. When making decisions and fully living out the faith, we need both the Word of God and also the 2000 years of teachings. We also need our brain and our heart. The faith isn't a safety blanket to only give you warm fluffy feelings all the time. It engages the brain and stretches the heart. It brings together our intelligence, our emotions, Catholic Traditions and teachings, and the Word of God.

So join me as I read the Bible? I may be 20 years late in getting started, but it's been a pretty awesome journey so far as I make my way through the many pages. :) And to end this post on a funny note, the heychristiangirl memes are too much for me hahahhaha:

Orlando Bloom wants to read the Bible with you.

Distract me from myself

It’s the morning of my phone interview, and I’m feeling really jittery. The anticipation gets me very anxious – I’m pretty sure it’s more like birds than butterflies that are fluttering in my stomach. People have told me some tips on how to calm your nerves – from eating bananas (something about potassium?) to watching epic videos on youtube.

So I was on the brink of distress when – almost instinctively – I picked up the rosary and began to pray. For about fifteen minutes, I felt the beads between my fingers as I reflected on the mysteries. As the words of Hail Mary pass through my mind, I cue in on Jesus’ baptism (although I think the dove coming down from heaven and God’s booming voice kind of steal the show), the wedding at Cana, the proclamation of the Gospel, and the Eucharist. By focusing more on God and less on myself, my racing heart calmed down and my anxieties were quelled by a sense of peace.

Why pray? Why meditate?

I’m a very distracted person. I uselessly glance at my phone without really looking at it and refresh my Facebook feed for new notifications. At home, I wander into the kitchen to forage for snacks when I’m not even hungry. When people talk to me, I tune out (or was texting instead of listening). Maybe you know what I’m talking about – we’re a generation with so much distraction literally at our fingertips. My grandmother calls it the “lowered head syndrome.”

Me.

My phone got taken away from me today.

No, it wasn’t stolen, and no, it wasn’t a punishment. At the retreat house, after turning in our phones at the check-in, we had about five hours of silent meditation. As friends in my community curled up on couches nearby, we quietly prayed, meditated, journaled, and read. You could hear the busy cars passing by outside. A neighbor was watching TV a little too loud.

But we were quiet, and it was in those times of stillness, when things start to happen.

Then the LORD said, "Go outside and stand on the mountain before the LORD; the LORD will be passing by." A strong and heavy wind was rending the mountains and crushing rocks before the LORD--but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake--but the LORD was not in the earthquake.

After the earthquake there was fire--but the LORD was not in the fire. After the fire there was a tiny whispering sound.

When he heard this, Elijah hid his face in his cloak and went and stood at the entrance of the cave. A voice said to him, "Elijah, why are you here?"- 1 Kings 19 11-13

That’s why I pray. Because I need to calm down from the howling winds, blazing fires, groundbreaking earthquakes in my life. The voices of people I know and the messages of society are pounded into my head and crowd out my thoughts… they push out God. The words “YOU’RE FAT. BUY THIS. MAKE MONEY.” begin to define me rather than the words “This is my beloved son with whom I am well pleased.”

Sometimes we just need to shut up and listen.

To our true selves which might be locked away.

To God who is in the heart of it.

Pope John Paul II and Mother Theresa. Two very awesome people.

But can you be best friends with someone you haven’t even spoken to? Similarly, our relationship with God is something that needs effort. Tea time with God! Catch up with Jesus. Prayer isn’t easy. One thing that I discovered for myself this year is that there are many ways to pray. It's not just sitting there with your eyes shut. It's also when you're moved by music, when you do kind acts, when you read words of wisdom. Prayer comes in many forms. We encounter God in many different ways, even though sometimes we don't feel it. That’s why it is so much more amazing when we meet holy people. And we ask holy people to pray for us. (Yes, I mean saints and Mother Mary, who knows Jesus and points us to Him when we pray the rosary). People who are close to God can help us be closer with him.

Whether we realize it or not, in our hearts we yearn for God, 
and so when we come into contact with someone close to God, 
our hearts are moved.

— Fr John Bartunek, LC

Trifecta

HELLO, WORLD! 

Born in water. Caught on fire. This may sound like a series of unfortunate events, but it is actually quite the contrary for me.

Allow me to explain. As an infant, I was baptized into the Catholic Church with water. Through Confirmation, a sacrament of initiation, we receive the Holy Spirit – the same one in the Bible which came down in tongues of flame on the apostles – to become full-fledged members in the Catholic faith.

Growing up Catholic means that I spent practically every Sunday of my life sitting in pews; I picked up some Latin over the years (Kyrie eleison,1 anyone?) and have prayed the Rosary with my fingers. I admit that I have dozed off in homilies and dreaded going to church for a time in my life. I still stumble through some of the responses since the implementation of the new English Roman Missal translation – for those who haven’t gone to Mass since November 2011, boy you’re in for a treat. When people hand me flyers asking, “Are you saved?”, I’m not sure if they’re looking for a simple yes/no answer or a theological debate. Oh, and the awkward moment when you reference books that are only in the Catholic bible during a discussion with Protestant friends (“Wait, the book of Judith? You mean Jude?”). 

My spiritual journey hasn’t been completely smooth sailing, but it has been the most worthwhile investment that I have made. I began taking my faith more seriously during my later high school years and have since then grappled with questions that I... probably still struggle with. Yet over the years, I have also discovered the beauty of having a universal church – that’s what the word “catholic” means!

My goal for this blog is to NOT jump in all the angry debates and add to the hollering – there are already plenty of CAPS-lock shouting matches. I would like to take a step back from talking about Catholicism as a political issue.

By sharing how my faith challenges and grows me, I hope to demonstrate that Catholicism may be ancient, but it is far from dead. My aim for this blog is to provide some thoughts on various issues that our society faces through a Catholic perspective and answer some questions that one might have about the Catholic faith. In this modern age, what does it mean to be religious or even spiritual, for that matter? Are Catholic teachings out of date? What’s the difference between Christian and Catholic and will we ever get along? Can the Mass get any more boring and why do Catholics bother to go? Will Catholics get lung cancer from inhaling too much smoke from burning incense? (Partially kidding on the last one, although I think I will go Google that now... here's what I found)

Oh and one other thing, growing up Catholic doesn’t mean you were deprived of the Disney channel, Pokemon, or the Power Rangers in your childhood. It just meant that in addition to them, you also had the Avengers like St. Joan of Arc and St. Michael the Archangel. Further evidence of awesomeness: St. Moses the Black happened to be featured on the "Badass of the Week" (is it a sin that I laughed too hard at this?). 

Hopefully you'll find through this blog that Catholics aren't old, dying, and boring, but can be full of life, joy, laughter, and growth. Until next time, I'll leave you with what our St. Francis of Assisi would often address at the end of his sermons and letters,

Pax et Bonum.2

1 “Lord have mercy” in Latin, one of my personal favorite prayers said in Mass

2 “Peace and the good”  in Latin

THE CATHOLIC PROFILE

In light of recent events, it seems like everyone has an opinion about what’s going on in the Catholic Church. The resulting question is: which are ones that are actually good and worth reading? The search through the Internet for accurate information, untwisted by media, is quite a gnarly task that requires untangling truth from fiction. After combing through several web blogs, I’ve come across a few good ones – definitely check them out! I’ve got them on my blog roll, so feel free to explore!

One of my pet peeves is hearing people who don’t know anything about Catholicism voice their opinions on the subject – sigh, misinformed people spreading misinformation.  But Dr. Taylor Marshall, the author of the Canterbury tales blog -- this guy knows his stuff! Need the proof? He holds a Ph.D. in philosophy and is the chancellor of the College of Saints John Fisher & Thomas More in Texas. He has also written books (check out The Crucified Rabbi), been a guest lecturer, and been featured on podcasts. He posts about 5 times a week about topics related to Catholic culture, including the liturgy, saints, philosophy, theology, the Church fathers, and Mariology. On the bottom of the front page, there is a list of tags that he uses – some of the more popular being “Mary,” “Pope,” “Thomas Aquinas,” and “Old Testament.”  Over the six years of running the blog, he has had over 5 million hits and 14,000 followers. (sidenote: wow, imagine if Jesus had a blog...) You can subscribe for email updates, connect through twitter, facebook, linkedin, rss feed, and even youtube – AND he gives free stuff to subscribers (GOTTA LOVE FREE STUFF!)!

Dr. Marshall posts both personal and scholarly work – including a provided list of links to the 21 ecumenical councils, Catholic apologetics, and Bible study help for Catholics. His blog posts are catchy, but contain academic references. For example, his post “How to Spring a Soul from Purgatory in 4 Steps” caught my eye (the more in Heaven, the merrier, right?), and the post included citations and references to theological work. Based on his posts, it seems like the blog leans towards the traditional and orthodox side. The blog post “6 Reasons Why Contraception is Sinful and Contrary to God’s Will” presented arguments based on the scripture and theology. For example, he references specific Bible quotes such as Rev 9:20-21, and quotes Saint Augustine:

"I am supposing, then, although you are not lying [with your wife] for the sake of procreating offspring, you are not for the sake of lust obstructing their procreation by an evil prayer or an evil deed. Those who do this, although they are called husband and wife, are not; nor do they retain any reality of marriage, but with a respectable name cover a shame. Sometimes this lustful cruelty, or cruel lust, comes to this, that they even procure poisons of sterility…Assuredly if both husband and wife are like this, they are not married, and if they were like this from the beginning they come together not joined in matrimony but in seduction. If both are not like this, I dare to say that either the wife is in a fashion the harlot of her husband or he is an adulterer with his own wife." Augustine, Marriage and Concupiscence 1:15:17 (A.D. 419)

.

His more popular blog posts have also generated lots of discussion – his more recent post “Traditionalists and Pope Francis: Can We Take a Deep Breath and Please Calm Down?” received over 300 comments. The audience which responds to the post varies in views, but for the most part, engages in very intellectual discussions – it seems that many readers also have a foundation in Catholic theology. Dr. Taylor Marshall also jumps in the comment section with some of his responses. While his blog posts are academic, he still writes clearly and simply, with even jokes such as “Don't let the haters get you down.” Although maybe the next step would be for him to include .gifs as such:

But maybe that's why he has his own blog and I have my own, haha! Aside from the lack of funny Disney gifs, I personally found this blog super insightful because it balances academic and scholarly information on the Catholic Church with personal thoughts and testimonies. Perhaps thanks to some moderation of comments, I was able to come across other interesting Internet users – Catholic and non-Catholics alike – that partake in discussions on topics that I also blog about. All in all, this guy’s legit and has really awesome – actually Catholic – things to say. Check out his blog, his books, and free stuff!

Hearing Voice in Words

You can recite all that happened over the 2000 years of Catholic church history and list all the theological arguments in the world, but nothing can quite replace someone's personal story of how they encountered God's love in their life. Being part of a Catholic community -- in your local diocese or your internet blogosphere -- allows people to not only engage in intellectual dialogue, but also share their testimonies. Your story of what you've been through requires your voice; that's how we get a feel for your personality and individuality.

Jennifer Fulwiler, the author of a Catholic and personal blog “Conversion Diary,” writes with humor, thoughtfulness, and individuality. I came across her blog several years ago, and recently rediscovered it -- I LOVE HER! She welcomes readers to take a glimpse into her life by sharing reflections of her spiritual journey and daily shenanigans. Her voice is lighthearted, funny, and insightful in the post “Notes from beneath the veil,” while it is solemn, earnest, and personal in the post “Explaining where God is when we suffer, when there are no words.” Through her choice of words and expressions of emotions, Jennifer’s personality and voice on her blog is engaging and unique.

In “Notes from beneath the veil,” a comical story with a sincere message, Jennifer presents herself as a devoted Catholic mother who has learned to live life with sense of humor.

And then Fr. Uche … he mused, “What did Jesus go up the mountain to do?” I jumped when a voice beside me shouted at the loudest possible volume:

“TO PWAY!!!!!”

That would be my sweet daughter’s pronunciation of “pray.” She’s so excited about Jesus and was so delighted to know the answer that she just had to scream it at the very top of her lungs — and, wow, who knew that a young child’s voice could fill an entire huge building like that? The church was packed with about 1,100 people, and I am pretty sure that every single one of them looked over at us in that moment. I had already felt like THE WOMAN IN THE CHAPEL VEIL!!!!, and now I felt like THE WOMAN IN THE CHAPEL VEIL WHOM WE’RE ALL NOW STARING AT BECAUSE HER KID YELLS AT THE PRIEST DURING MASS!!!!

Even though I haven't met Jennifer in person, I could just totally imagine this comical scenario. It's written in such an engaging story-telling manner -- I can just see her laughing over this with a friend at a coffee shop. By choosing the words like “loudest possible volume,” emphasizing the “1,100 people,” and italicizing “every single one,” Jennifer describes her interior state of insecurity about wearing THE CHAPEL VEIL!!!! The long capitalized phrase with many exclamation points creatively depicts the frantic panic and anxiety of stage-fright which we have all experienced at some embarrassing point in our life (like the annual piano recitals, man they get me every year). At the same time, the phrases “my sweet daughter” and “TO PWAY!!!!!,” “wow, who knew…” show her love and forgiveness towards her daughter despite the minor freak-out session she had at the moment when the entire church turned to stare at them. It's just like how we shake our head when we think about the embarrassing yet endearing things our friends do; I often say to them, "why am i even friends with you..". 

Not only that, I love the references Jennifer makes -- it helps me think that I'm cool (whether I actually am is a different story). Jennifer’s references to Dr. Phil, and double parenthetical comments “(… I do not get all my life wisdom from daytime talk shows anymore.) (Now it mostly comes from Pinterest.)” are funny and relate to the modern culture which many of her readers are familiar with. I laughed!

Even when she is slightly more serious about what she had learned by wearing the chapel veil, I like how Jennifer maintains a lighthearted tone: “To my great surprise, it seemed to me that the people around me were (wait for it…this is going to be shocking…) focused more on the Mass than they were on me. I know, amazing.” By using some playful sarcasm to joke about what she learned about her inaccurate assumptions, I can see her as a friend sharing her thoughts rather than a didactic teacher. This is an awesome strategy because in all honesty, who wants to be lectured at, right?

Her honesty, humbled, and reflective character is revealed through the sentences “Waves of shame rushed through me when I realized: these are the people whom I assumed would be judging me.” "These” emphasizes the lovely people she described in the preceding paragraph and her own realization of how absurd her worries are. Her reflections spurred me to think about times when I was worried that people who loved me very much in my life would judge me. 

In her more serious posts, such as “Explaining where God is when we suffer, when there are no words,” Jennifer’s voice and tone of writing shifts to be more reverent. It’s amazing how powerful just some of the simplest short paragraphs can be. Even though this post does not contain any jokes or sarcasm, I was soo moved by the sentences “What to do..? Where can we turn..? How can we ponder..?”. I remembered my painful life experiences and related to the “raw human agony” and “rail[ing] against God” described. But she doesn't leave it there -- she encourages me by pointing us to her “only one source of comfort...The crucifix." What is it like to ponder, to gaze, to wonder upon the cross which Jesus died? Within these sentences (and yay, parallel structure, my favorite!), she explores the significance of God – the creator of “each molecule… in all the billions of galaxies…” – dying on the cross to save “creatures who introduced misery into their world… through their own free will,” in order to reunite his children “in an eternity of peace.” The following concluding paragraph, short and simple once again, provides a concise message that contrasts our “scream” to the crucifix’s constant “wordless response.”

Jennifer’s voice in her writing is what drives me to be a better blogger. I love how as readers, we can share in her emotions and respond to her writing (smiles, laughter, comments, inspired thoughts). Through both carefree and heartfelt tones, Jennifer provides thought-provoking messages in each post – even the casual posts on her life point back to the theme of living out the Catholic faith. And that is exactly the beauty of sharing your faith with others: when you write from your heart, when you let your voice speak through your words, even strangers can feel touched by the love story between you and God.